The Bullshit Manifesto
What is our policy for the future of Australia – it is bullshit
Australia is a land of bullshit, and better opportunities to bullshit than anywhere else in the world. In Australia people are free to bullshit, happy with their bullshit, and enjoy bullshit rewards better than most of the human race. There has never been a more exciting time to bullshit for Australians, or to bullshit Australians. The bullshit party is the only way to ensure the bullshit continues. Only Bullshit will ensure that tomorrows Australians are bullshitted more than todays. Vote bullshit.
This weekend Australians will vote on the flavour of the bullshit they will experience for the next three years, exhorted by bullshit politicians, representing parties who want to bullshit voters, backed by vested interests and corporates who want to bullshit the electorate about the bullshit they already have or are already doing, or the bullshit they want. It will be brought to the attention of Australians though a bullshit media and press, which although it cannot make a profit, is paid to ensure that the bullshit reaching you is the bullshit that someone feels will benefit their bullshit, deploying the finest bullshit commentators and reporters, and running bullshit analysis to ensure that Australians have access to every last skerrick of bullshit coming their way.
Australia’s institutional framework is a national repository of bullshit, and provides a significant bulwark against anyone seeking change to the way bullshit happens in Australia – from the bullshit of State and Federal politicians and bureaucracies, through to laws and courts which defend the right to bullshit across the breadth of Australian endeavour, with an exactitude which is nothing short of bullshit. It is vital for the bullshit of Australia, that these institutions not only continue to bullshit as they have done, but seek out and engage to further bullshit for future Australians. To lay the foundations of the bullshit of tomorrow, to forecast and shape its form, to allow Australians to choose what bullshit they want, and to bullshit them about how they can achieve that bullshit. This is the promise of bullshit – to take bullshit further, to make bullshit more central, to bring more Australians together around bullshit.
The bullshit vision
Our vision is of a world where bullshit is ubiquitous, cheap and affordable. A world where bullshit is efficient and effective, and where the opportunity to bullshit or experience bullshit is a birthright of all Australians, and where Australians from all walks feel that they too are part of the bullshit, that there is bullshit for them, and that they have the opportunity to bullshit, and hand bullshit to their children for their lives and Australia’s future.
We believe in furthering Australian bullshit no matter how long and hard the bullshit may be. We seek to push bullshit into every crevice and into every sentient moment of our minds. We believe in bullshit from the highest peaks to the oceans depths, from bullshit on the beaches and in the fields, to bullshit in the endless rugged expanses. We will develop our bullshit capability in the North, bullshit across the oceans, and bullshit to new frontiers in space and beyond the stars, seeking out new peoples and lifeforms to bullshit.
Our vision of a bullshit life is to wake from dreams of bullshit to the sound of bullshit on the radio, interspersed by advertising and news bullshit, promoting a myriad of facets of social bullshit, amounting to economic bullshit, which Australian companies can lever bullshit margins on Australians with. It is Bullshit.
From there we want Australians to have bullshit on their ways to work, meaningfully experiencing and engaging with bullshit in their chosen careers, feeling bound to a culture of bullshit in their workplaces, where they and their fellow employees and managers are bound by bullshit. With bullshit their efforts can contribute to the bullshitting of Australia and the bequest of bullshit for Australians of tomorrow.
The bullshit policies
Economy: The centre of the bullshit for all Australians is in a bullshit economy. Bullshit will leave no stone unturned in building on our bullshit achievements to create an economy which is definitively bullshit. With bullshit for all and a surplus bullshit for future generations and for export. Bullshit of which the rest of the world is rightly admiring and envious. Bullshit which attracts quality bullshit to Australia and builds on the bullshit we have.
Our economic strategy is to inflate a housing bubble utilising bullshit monetary policy, bullshit land management practices and bullshit credit provided by banks backed by a bullshit budget. From here we believe in bullshitting the entire national economy around this bullshit, with bullshit investment, bullshit trade, and bullshit information management and statistics. Our economic ideology which has withstood the bullshit of time, remains the cultivation of bullshit investment, around the bullshit of trickle-down economics, DSGE, and deregulation, to provide bullshit jobs, so that Australians can pay bullshit taxes – unless they are accessing a bullshit taxation concession……..including
Negative Gearing bullshit…….. *applause*,
Capital Gains Tax bullshit…….. *applause*
Superannuation concession bullshit ……….*applause in unison*
And the continued bullshit excluding multi-million dollar residences from consideration in access to pensions *applause in unison and standing ovation*
Only through these policies will Australia’s economy remain bullshit, both now and into the future, bullshit for our children, and bullshit for those who have made Australia the bullshit that it is today. Only through these policies can Australians be the bullshit they vote for when they vote for bullshit.
Our Budget bullshit will be balanced budget bullshit. We will achieve our balance with the extensive use of bullshit forecasts – from commodity prices, to employment, to wage growth and government revenues – to bullshit conceptual underpinnings such as that enabled by bullshit bubbles driving bullshit receipts, with statistical bullshit further embellishing that balance. That balance will of course continue to bullshit Australians about the bullshit on the revenue side of the budget, which sees spectacular amounts of bullshit concessions costing bullshit billions, while ordinary people are bullshitted with threats about Medicare, education and social welfare costs
Trade Our trade Bullshit will maintain Australia’s place at the forefront of global free trade bullshit, with Australians bullshitted at length about the benefits it brings, while experiencing bullshit about the jobs it has cost. To this end we will continue the bullshit which has seen Australians get no sight of Free Trade Agreements bullshitted to them by their representatives, of which they have seen nothing but bullshit before they are signed on their behalf, and of which informed economic analysis suggest the outcomes for Australians over the coming generations are baked in bullshit. We will also ensure that the bullshit benefits of these trade agreements are bullshit years into the future and accrue largely to bullshit sectoral interests, or to sectors of the bullshit economy already dominated by international capital so that these may repatriate the benefits to a less bullshit location. We will further commit to ensuring that global companies continue to bullshit Australian taxpayers through their extensive use of transfer pricing and offshore marketing arrangements, in the sale of resources coming from Australia.
Education: The next generation of Australians needs quality bullshit. We are committed to bullshit education. From bullshit overcrowded primary schools filled with bullshit foreign national children of offshore property speculators, to bullshit discrimination by the federal government against the children of government schools, in favour of bullshit in private schools which already have access to taxation write offs for their parents, through to the bullshit denuding of the vocational education sector in favour of bullshit debt propagation which ultimately the taxpayer will be bullshitted for. From there we remain committed to ensuring that Australia continues to provide bullshit levels of access to courses in sciences, mathematics, engineering and medicine, while promoting bullshit volumes of meaningless courses designed to ensure bullshit levels of debt servicing and bullshit numbers of marginally employed future Australians wondering where the bullshit jobs they thought they were promised have gone to.
Population: Australia’s bullshit has always been a magnet for migrants from around the world, and our population has been enhanced and diversified through the addition of generations of migrants. Our policy is that Australians continue to bullshit these about the lives they can experience in Australia, while continuing to bullshit existing Australians about the benefits of migration and the role it plays in the economy, in the need for infrastructure, and its role in helping keep asset prices higher through demand from offshore sources of funds. Our population policy will be to extend bullshit visas to anyone from anywhere who can promise to turn up with a suitcase full of bullshit derived cash, or who can transfer such funds into an Australian bank account from whatever bullshit offshore generates it and promise to outbid an existing Australian taxpayer for an Australian house. This will make population growth bullshit, and will be made more so by the complete absence of any economic narrative involving a need for further industry or employees or the slightest indication whatsoever of what all the new migrants will actually do apart from have children who go to school, and bid up small business prices. Of course a bullshit government will be firmly committed to ensuring that corporate Australia can bullshit on visas for employees from offshore whenever they have an inclination to do so, free from the gaze of any regulatory agency. Of course bullshit will see too that Australians know that foreigners arriving from offshore in boats will be bullshitted to Nauru or wherever we can send them, at a bullshit cost to Australian taxpayers, and with bullshit consequences for their lives. Bullshit stands for bullshit population growth and bullshit population and immigration policy!
Housing: In no field has Australia’s proud history of bullshit been more exemplified than in its bullshitting of Australians about housing. To the point where here in 2016 the price of Australian housing is the most bullshit in the world and will be a bullshit millstone on the economy for generations to come. A bullshit government will ensure that the golden era of housing bullshit will continue for another thousand years, with never declining prices, ever decreasing land sizes, and ever greater building densities in our suburbs. Housing bullshit needs to be sustained through bullshit housing investment, and Australia’s time honoured bullshit for housing investment has been ‘Negative Gearing’ ……*applause* and ‘Negative Gearing’ ……*applause* will be enshrined in our constitution, forever protecting the bullshit which promotes the tax avoiding needs of highly indebted loss making landlords, over the needs of ordinary folk simply wanting a place to live. But Australian housing requires, deserves, our every endeavour for more bullshit. For this reason a bullshit government will promote the opportunity for foreign nationals to launder their moneys free from any requirement to establish the veracity or provenance of those funds, free from the need to establish any connection or commitment to Australia, and free from the need to provide any tangible benefit for Australia whatsoever apart from the creation of inner cities with as much life as a container shipping terminal in the dark. Housing is the centre point of Australian bullshit, its lifeblood and its reason for being. Only with a bullshit government can the quintessentially Australian bullshit on housing be sustained without question, without fear, and without any logic at all
Men and women of Australia, this is but a bullshit prospectus of the bullshit we can visit on Australia when we are returned to government, and of the bullshit we can festoon you and your loved ones, as well as your heirs for generations to come. We will build a nation of such epic bullshit, bullshit of such legend, so fantastically transformational bullshit that we will be the bullshit of the ages…………… we will be – bullshit!